Jeans

Robin never wears the clothes I buy her.  And I don’t buy her “girly” clothes or anything like that.  I always try to buy athletic type clothes, unisex clothes, neutral clothes.  Even when I take her shopping with me and she picks out her own clothes, Robin won’t wear the clothes.  She won’t wear v-neck, if the crew neck shows too much neck, she won’t wear that.  Robin used to like skinny jeans, but not anymore.  Nothing can be “too tight”. So, that left her with a very  limited wardrobe and me giving away clothes that had never been worn.

Robin’s dad knows my frustration.  He decided that he would take her shopping, which was a relief to me.  Robin calls me as soon as they get back to the car.  She was so excited about all the clothes her dad bought.  She was happy, so I was ecstatic.  When Robin came home, she couldn’t wait for us to go out so that she could wear her new clothes.  I agreed to take her to the movies.  When she brought her outfit to my room for me to see, I thought the jeans looked a little big for her.  So as I asked what size they were.  Robin said she didn’t know.  So, I checked.  They were a boys/man’s 30 x 30.  You’d think that I would expect that based on all that I’ve shared so far.  But I didn’t and I asked her why she got “boy’s” clothes.  Robin replied that that was the only section they shopped in.  I asked why and I must have looked like my whole world was falling apart because my daughter started apologizing over and over, saying “I’m sorry Mommy”.  I felt like shit.

I was so angry.  I was angry because of how I felt.  I was angry with her.  I was angry with her dad.  I was just pissed.  In my head, I was asking why could she just be who she is and accept it.  Period.  Robin never told me she “felt” like she was a boy or said that she was a boy when she was little.  If she had I would have been more prepared.  I could have started coming to terms with this years ago.  But it feels like all of a sudden, my little girl who was always my little girl, wants to be anything but who she has been her whole life.  So what if she wants to play football and always wanted the “boy” toy from McDonald’s!  So did I. Who wants to play with a stupid doll when there is a racetrack with cars speeding around everywhere?  Who said liking jeans and not liking skirts or dresses made you a tomboy?  Who said not being girly meant you can’t be a girl?  What the hell is wrong with being a girl and liking whatever you want to like??

I’ve been reading about transgender kids and gender neutral, gender fluid, gender expansive.  And I still don’t understand.  Why can’t these kids just be who they are, like what they like, and not be labeled one thing or another?  Now, I’m not talking about children who start asserting that the ARE the opposite gender early in life.  In fact, I’ve read that there may be some genetic coding that contributes to a person being transgender (Human Sex Chromosomes are Sloppy DNA Swappers). So, I’m not arguing the point that there are transgender people.  What I’m saying is, I don’t understand why my child feels the need to ask me if she is “trans”.  I’m saying that society is placing undo pressure on children. We no longer watch what we say around them.  We no longer censor television or radio.  Children are exposed to so much that I feel they are not mature enough to understand and process.  Why does my child feel like she has to label herself as anything other than a child.

I got over the jeans thing. Clothes are just clothes.  It’s about what a person feels comfortable wearing.  Society sets the labels and we all follow suit.  Even the kids.

Today

I was in Target so I decided to buy Robin some socks and underwear.  So I grab the underwear (boy shorts because that’s the only kind she likes to wear).  As I place them in the cart, I pretend I don’t see my mother’s face.  Then I’m looking for socks, tube socks, of course, and I don’t see Robin’s size in the girl’s section. My mother comments that if I buy all the same kinds of socks it won’t matter when Robin loses them. She’s said this to me a thousand times so I move on down to the boy’s section.and say nothing.  I say something about not seeing any all white socks and my mother replies the socks don’t have to be all white, the tops just need to be all white. So I grab some white tube socks with gray heels and toes and my mother says “all you ever get her now is boy stuff”.  “More and more boy stuff.” I damn near lose it right in the Target.  I say “What am I supposed to do?! What do you want me to do about it?!” My mom says “You can do what you want. I’m just saying…” I tell her “it’s not what I want”.

This is not what I want.  All I wanted was a little girl.  I literally prayed for a little baby girl.  My baby girl was born and she was beautiful and healthy.  That was the happiest moment of my life.  Now my little girl says she wants to be a boy or maybe she feels like she is a boy.  I don’t know because I can’t talk about it yet without overwhelming emotion.  So I take her to a therapist so she can talk to someone.  I feel horrible.  I have a healthy, smart, talented child… I should be happy.  But my heart is broken.  And I feel guilty for feeling the way I do, but I can’t help it.  I don’t want her to stop talking to me; she used to tell me anything.  But she’s such an intuitive child.  She knows that I’m pretty much at my limit with this, for now.  The last time Robin tried to talk to me about this, she asked me if she was trans.  I almost lost my shit.  I didn’t yell or gasp or do anything dramatic; but on the inside I almost lost my shit.  All I said was “Robin you are a child.”

I honestly don’t understand what transgender means.  I don’t get how someone can feel like they are in the “wrong” body.  We are born as male or female and rarely hermaphrodite.  The characteristics we assign to the labels “boy” and “girl” are just socialized, ingrain, stereotypes.  When someone says they feel like a woman, what does that mean when society defined being a “woman”?  Does it mean that they feel like all the characteristics assigned to the label “woman”?  Why can’t people just be who they are in the body they were born in?  If you want to wear makeup and a dress, you don’t have to have female genitalia to do so.  If it’s about having a vagina or a penis or breasts or a mustache, then I still don’t get it.  Just because I want to be a unicorn and I can go and have surgery to alter me to have a horn projected out of my forehead, doesn’t mean I’m a unicorn.

I feel like we are in a society that says people should have everything they want; there are no boundaries or limits.  This society has taken virtual reality to the next level by altering reality into what they think it should be. Where does it stop? If I feel like I’m really another race, I can’t go out and change my race.  It is what it is.  I mean fair skinned blacks “passed” for white to make life easier.  And Rachel Dolezal can wear dark makeup and braid her hair.  But guess what, those black people were still black and Rachel is still a delusional white woman.

This blog is my way to let it all out. It is my journal that is open to the world. It is my way of coping.  I know I’m not the only mom who is going through or has gone through something similar.  But I feel like I am.