Today

I was in Target so I decided to buy Robin some socks and underwear.  So I grab the underwear (boy shorts because that’s the only kind she likes to wear).  As I place them in the cart, I pretend I don’t see my mother’s face.  Then I’m looking for socks, tube socks, of course, and I don’t see Robin’s size in the girl’s section. My mother comments that if I buy all the same kinds of socks it won’t matter when Robin loses them. She’s said this to me a thousand times so I move on down to the boy’s section.and say nothing.  I say something about not seeing any all white socks and my mother replies the socks don’t have to be all white, the tops just need to be all white. So I grab some white tube socks with gray heels and toes and my mother says “all you ever get her now is boy stuff”.  “More and more boy stuff.” I damn near lose it right in the Target.  I say “What am I supposed to do?! What do you want me to do about it?!” My mom says “You can do what you want. I’m just saying…” I tell her “it’s not what I want”.

This is not what I want.  All I wanted was a little girl.  I literally prayed for a little baby girl.  My baby girl was born and she was beautiful and healthy.  That was the happiest moment of my life.  Now my little girl says she wants to be a boy or maybe she feels like she is a boy.  I don’t know because I can’t talk about it yet without overwhelming emotion.  So I take her to a therapist so she can talk to someone.  I feel horrible.  I have a healthy, smart, talented child… I should be happy.  But my heart is broken.  And I feel guilty for feeling the way I do, but I can’t help it.  I don’t want her to stop talking to me; she used to tell me anything.  But she’s such an intuitive child.  She knows that I’m pretty much at my limit with this, for now.  The last time Robin tried to talk to me about this, she asked me if she was trans.  I almost lost my shit.  I didn’t yell or gasp or do anything dramatic; but on the inside I almost lost my shit.  All I said was “Robin you are a child.”

I honestly don’t understand what transgender means.  I don’t get how someone can feel like they are in the “wrong” body.  We are born as male or female and rarely hermaphrodite.  The characteristics we assign to the labels “boy” and “girl” are just socialized, ingrain, stereotypes.  When someone says they feel like a woman, what does that mean when society defined being a “woman”?  Does it mean that they feel like all the characteristics assigned to the label “woman”?  Why can’t people just be who they are in the body they were born in?  If you want to wear makeup and a dress, you don’t have to have female genitalia to do so.  If it’s about having a vagina or a penis or breasts or a mustache, then I still don’t get it.  Just because I want to be a unicorn and I can go and have surgery to alter me to have a horn projected out of my forehead, doesn’t mean I’m a unicorn.

I feel like we are in a society that says people should have everything they want; there are no boundaries or limits.  This society has taken virtual reality to the next level by altering reality into what they think it should be. Where does it stop? If I feel like I’m really another race, I can’t go out and change my race.  It is what it is.  I mean fair skinned blacks “passed” for white to make life easier.  And Rachel Dolezal can wear dark makeup and braid her hair.  But guess what, those black people were still black and Rachel is still a delusional white woman.

This blog is my way to let it all out. It is my journal that is open to the world. It is my way of coping.  I know I’m not the only mom who is going through or has gone through something similar.  But I feel like I am.

Author: MotherofQ

I am the mother of a child who is questioning her identity, her orientation, her sense of self, and what it means to just "be".

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